Catholicism: If shit happens, see a priest.
Calvinist: It is God’s sovereign will as to when and if shit happens.
Methodist: Abstain from tobacco, alcohol and shit.
Episcopalian: Sometimes shit happens, and that’s okay, as long as it’s served with a good wine.
Lutheran: We don’t know when or if shit happens.
Fundamentalism: When shit happens, and it will, ask Jesus into your heart or burn in hell.
Seventh Day Adventism: Shit happens, just not on the Sabbath.
Quakerism: Shit happens silently.
Pentecostalism: Praise God for all this shit!
Arminian: Shit only happens because you let it happen.
Amish: We don’t worry about shit, but if it happens, we forgive it.
Evangelicalism: Ask Jesus to save you from all this shit.
Eastern Orthodoxy: Shit has always happened, we’ve always known about this shit, and though it may or may not happen elsewhere, we know shit happens here.
Unitarian Universalism: Shit’s all good.
Baptist: Shit happens, but you still aren’t allowed to dance.
Non-denominationalism: We’re just as confused about this shit as you are.
Jehovah’s Witnesses: Knock, knock, shit happens.
Mormonism: We alone know about the true shit.
Judaism: Why does all this shit happen to us?!
Atheism: There is no shit.
Nihilism: Who gives a shit?
Satanism: We love the shit.
Buddhism: The shit is only an illusion.
Hinduism: Everyone’s shit is the same shit.
Zen: Become one with the shit.
Jainism: Don’t harm the shit.
Agnosticism: What shit?
New Age: This shit is cosmic.
Rastafarianism: Smoke this shit.
Neo-Paganism: We love the old shit better than the new shit.
Wicca: Do what you want, just don’t cause shit to happen.
Islam: Our shit is the only shit.
Baha’i: It’s really all the same shit.
New Thought: You can make this shit happen.
Taoism: This shit is everywhere.
Existentialism: Discover your own shit.
Rationalism: Do you understand this shit?
Empiricism: You don’t see shit, there is no shit.
Cartesianism: I doubt this shit happens.
Darwinism: Shit happens gradually.